Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
