you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
