Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
