I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
