DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
