Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Randomize
