just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
