i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
