That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
