Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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