Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize