You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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