This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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