I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
