I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
