i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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