As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
