Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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