you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
