Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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