i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
