if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
