I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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