Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I feel like abortions should bother me more
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
