now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
