i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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