Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
