my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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