she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
