Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
