Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
my poor anus
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
