so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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