So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i will never coherently bang her
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
