Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
