Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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