Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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