He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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