i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
