i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
