I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
