im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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