Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
