Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
