I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
