A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize