Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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