why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
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