The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
