I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
