She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
