Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
