The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize