actually, I'm a sock model
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
