All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
