I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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