I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
