I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
