That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
