My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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