I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
