I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Randomize