I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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