I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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