I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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