the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
