Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
