Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
