I didn't shave. On purpose
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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