Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
