areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize