This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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