It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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