got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
